Of Dreams & Nightmares

After all my exams finished in 7th semester of college (November 2007), I was quite happy that I would be freed from preparing for an exam again! Atleast for the foreseeable future.. But I was wrong.. I have since given countless exams.. all types of crazy ones.. and guess what.. without an iota of preparation! Mind has got an ingenious way of making me give it.. yes, I am speaking of my first recurring night-mare I have known.. to those who have known me in school or college, they would scarcely believe me.. but it is true.. Even today morning around 6am, I woke up in fear of writing a hindi exam where I was damn slow to answer the questions!! I have always had fear of exams which made me, to an extent, to study hard and attend the exam with gr8 confidence.. Now I am unable to quell away this recurring night-mare :(.. I guess, my fear for exams is still deeply imprinted in my mind..

Anyway, these night-mares got me to again think on the subject of "dreams".. Like you would all have done, I have spent many hours contemplating on "dreams".. One thing that strikes me is that most (if not all) of the times, dreams have the characters/objects known to me.. only these known ones are vivid enough for recollection, rest of them are hazy.. also, when a book I am reading interests me very much, or sleeping after an uncompleted cricket match I like, with astonishing consistency, they have appeared in my dreams.. with all kinds of crazy events happening related to it.. mostly it takes the form I do not desire to happen..

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It is not like dreams always make us anxious.. sometimes, they tend to help us in clearing our thoughts/understanding.. I do remember a dream I had in 1st yr of college.. I had written few C/C++ programs required for the assignment.. in my dreams, i discovered that I had made a logical mistake in one of the programs.. which proved correct when I reviewed it the next day!!.. and recently, I have had similar dreams related to my office work which helped me..

I do believe, that in our dreams, our reactions are close to what we would have done in reality.. an example: few weeks back, i had watched die-hard2 before sleeping.. in my dream, I am taken as "prisoner" along with many others... each one is being checked for weapons.. and those who lied are tortured... interestingly, I had a bomb with me which I was entrusted with before being captured..to kill the enemy... now, when my turn comes for inspection, instead of blowing the enemy (along with me, ofcourse) I fear for my life and give it up.. (and, as with dreams, the scene later changed dramatically to my college!! )

And a final thought on my night-mares... they have atleast united both the schools I attended, college and the friends I had there... they all get mixed-up in a bizarre sequence.. changing from schools to college or mingling my school and college friends in the other location... and, few of them do not involve the exam-nightmares.. they become a treasure to be savored for the day...

A Late Realization

Today morning, I was reflecting on my corporate life which lead to comparison with student life... paid to do what our manager demands, but find listening to the lecturer difficult... office timings are flexible but strict timings for student... have to pay from pockets to go for a tour(officially IV), here the company arranges... leave letters or scoldings for bunking, but paid leaves in office... internet access all day in office, but scarcely in school or limited in college.. at home, watching as many movies as I like, listening to music I like, buying things which I dreamed off.. and so on...
Suddenly the corporate life seems much better!! but hey, am I not missing something? where are my little dreams of achieving big in life? where is my motivation hiding? where is my desire to get something? When stacked against odds, I excelled, worked hard, had my dreams and motivation, had desires to invent something great.. but now that the life is easy going, I find it difficult to live that way... the freedom I yearned so much for, seems to have enslaved me...

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Why can't I go back to my ignorant days with wild imaginations and fantasies... perhaps the answer lies in not being able to adapt to my freedom... those little dreams, goal-setting, anticipation of results, etc used to be my world... all joy within the soul and less dependent on outside world... but all these are absent for a long time now.... hope I can wake those dreams all over again...